Alex, our darling older daughter, would have turned 31 today. This is our third year without her, and often the grief feels as fresh as it did the day we lost her. At other times, though — and this is, of course, a sign of healing, of acceptance — the pain recedes and we are left with wonderful memories that warm us and offer solace.
Today, I find myself thinking back to her twenty-third birthday. She had recently graduated from NYU and was building a life for herself in Brooklyn, surrounded by friends, totally acclimated to city life. Her college years had not been easy on our relationship. Throughout her first eighteen years, she and I had been remarkably close, and it was only natural that as she moved on to college and her adult life, she would need to distance herself some from Nancy and me both. Nancy handled that better than I did (no surprise there) and I was, at times, more controlling and overbearing than I should have been.
But in the winter of 2018, soon after New Year’s, Alex approached me about taking a trip together, just the two of us. I was touched, delighted, thrilled, and of course I leapt at the opportunity. We wound up deciding on a trip to the Escalante Wilderness in Utah that would correspond with her birthday. We started the trip in Kodachrome Basin State Park, spent a couple of gorgeous days in Bryce Canyon National Park, and then went to Petrified Forest State Park, before flying to our separate homes. A week together in some of the most spectacular scenery either of us had ever seen.
We spent Alex’s birthday in several spots. We got up early to hike Calf Creek Falls trail, through beautiful desert scrub amid dramatic stone cliffs. The falls themselves, a cascading white ribbon falling against mineral-stained stone walls, were amazing. From there, we went down a dirt road — Burr Trail — that was filled with small slot canyons to explore. And we finished the day in an area called the Devil’s Garden, a collection of stunning rock formations about 25 miles down another bumpy track called Hole in the Rock Road. We finished the day with instant pad Thai at our campsite, and a magnificent night sky.
The next day, we packed up and headed to Vegas for a sushi dinner and flights the following morning.
Our week together meant the world to me. I wasn’t sure if Alex felt the same way, but we certainly had tons of fun and got along beautifully. I don’t remember specific conversations, but in a way I think that speaks to the naturalness of our interactions, the ease of our time together. And years later, when we were in Brooklyn with her during her final weeks, I saw that she had the hiking map from Calf Creek Falls on the wall beside her bed, and the rock we had found for her at a rock shop outside of Bryce, sitting on a shelf above her pillow.
Small gifts that made clear to me that she valued the memories of that journey together as much as I did.
I would give anything to travel with her again, to hike with her again, to hear her laughter, to see her light up at the mention of some new music she’d discovered or the latest novel she’d read. I miss her all the time, every day.
But the memories help. I still have that trail map, as well as that little polished stone. I still have literally hundreds of photos that I snapped during our week together. We were both obsessed with capturing images of the scenery around us. Now, I wish I’d taken more photos of Alex and fewer of the Escalante. But that’s a small matter.
Happy birthday, Sweetie. Thank you for that wondrous week, and all the other incredible times we shared. We love you to the moon and back.
